SETTING THE FOUNDATION FOR LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP SUCCESS

I think it's safe to say most people who are looking to get married want to be sure that they have a successful and fulfilling relationship. They want to do everything they can to make sure they have a healthy and happy relationship. Sadly, we have all seen and heard about a lot of divorces with some really sad and intense stories attached to them. Many of you know people who are in very problematic marriages that they may have known from the start weren't the right match. It is true that some these problems could have been prevented with healthier dating practices (among other things) and sometimes things just don't work out but what can *you* do to give your relationship a better chance at success? Even more, what can the Jewish community do to help prevent these sad stories and create healthier marriages?

Humans are relational beings. We are hardwired to seek connection; it is a survival instinct. Couples therapist Esther Perel points out that marriage was once a pragmatic solution that ensured economic stability and social cohesion. Relationships and families were solely a way of staying alive and ensuring the continuity of human life. We have since evolved to the point where marriage is no longer an economic enterprise (this is a good thing). We now look for so much more from our relationships, including emotional fulfillment, connection, and happiness. Esther has said: “It is no longer ‘Till death do us part,’ where we were stuck with our partners no matter how terrible things were; now it is ‘Till love dies.’” (That’s a whole different article, but let’s just take it at face value for this piece).

Healthy relationships and marriages can positively impact our physical and mental health. Individuals in healthy relationships have been shown to live longer, have stronger immune systems, and recover from disease more quickly. They also have lower rates of anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem, greater empathy, and overall greater life satisfaction. We also know that children who live in homes where healthy relationships are modeled and experienced tend to fare better academically, emotionally, and behaviorally, and are more likely to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with peers and romantic partners throughout their lives.

I wish more parents and young people thought about what makes for a successful relationship, asked more questions and read more books long before they entered the world of dating and marriage. I believe society (not just the Jewish community) fails young people by not teaching social and relationship skills beginning in preschool—not just for marriage but for life in general. Imagine a world where we were taught (at home and in school) coping skills, social skills, how to identify and tune in to our emotional states, emotion vocabulary, emotion regulation, conflict-resolution skills, and healthy communication skills. Imagine if we learned early on that emotional health makes a greater impact in your life and the world at large than any academic achievements ever will. Personally, I think it is far more important to have greater emotional wellness than it is to know the area of a circle (sorry, math teachers).

Interestingly, the Catholic Church has Pre-Cana classes (named after the wedding feast of Cana in Galilee, told in the book of John), which is similar to our chassan/kallah (bride/groom) classes in that it is standard to do pre-marriage, but the focus of Pre-Cana classes addresses the foundational conversations that help a couple build a healthier and stronger foundation pre-marriage. The classes are generally six-month sessions given by a priest or deacon. They include “must-have conversations” before couples marry and can include conflict-resolution skills and address even more specific circumstances such as challenges of military couples, children of divorce, and stepfamilies. Many leaders in our community have seen the need for something similar to this and have taken it upon themselves to encourage their community members to consult with a therapist pre-marriage to address these topics.

Rabbi Aryeh Lebowitz, director of semichah at Yeshiva University’s RIETS program and rabbi at Beis Knesses of North Woodmere, has been vocal about his belief in the value of pre-marital counseling. In discussion with me he said that he believes that pre-marital counseling can help a couple discuss these important topics in a constructive way. At the same time, it establishes a relationship with a therapist in the event that a couple finds that they need therapeutic support. This is important because a couple is more likely to seek help sooner when they have a connection with a therapist versus a couple who doesn’t, instead allowing issues to fester.

When you plan to spend the rest of your life with someone, it is important to make sure you are compatible. It is helpful and necessary to know where your partner stands on both the big and small issues. While you don’t have to agree on every little thing, it is important that the big things are aligned and that you have the skills to talk about any challenges that can arise. Even if you happen to agree on everything now, it may not always be that way, and you want to set the foundation for healthy discussion and communication. Exploring where you and your partner stand on issues before you get married can help prevent issues down the road that could contribute to marital dissatisfaction or divorce. Research indicates that people who share the same values, communicate effectively, and have a good friendship are more likely to enjoy their romantic relationship and build a marriage that lasts.

Some of the important topics I suggest to couples to consider initially covering are finances, family, relationship, spirituality and religion, sexuality and intimacy, and kids. Addressing these topics with your partner (not his or her teacher or the matchmaker) can help you decide if you really want to marry this person. It can also help you identify any red flags and green flags (those are important, too!). Pay attention to the process of communication between you and your partner, not just the conclusion. How these conversations go can speak volumes of the other person.

Below are some suggestions of questions to ask for each of the categories listed above. Note that this list is not comprehensive. There are many more topics that can be covered, but these are a good start. The more you can cover before getting engaged or married, the better. Additionally, before you ask your partner these questions, consider first asking yourself. If we cannot identify our own values and needs, it becomes very difficult for our significant other to know us and meet our needs.

It is possible that you may not be able to answer some of these questions pre-marriage, but it is still important to become aware of these talking points as you begin to build the foundation of your relationship. These questions are not all-or-nothing and can be asked in a variety of ways that are still constructive.

Finances

What are your attitudes and beliefs about money?

How was money handled in your home?

Who will handle the bills?

How do you feel about saving/investing?

How do you want to handle any wedding money you receive?

What will the structure of your bank account(s) be? Joint or separate?

What are your expectations about each of you working?

What are your feelings about having debt?

How do you feel about spending money?

What are your current spending habits?

Family

What are your thoughts and feelings about your respective families of origin?

How do you feel about your partner’s family?

Is it important for either of you to live near family?

What do you see your relationship with your family of origin looking like once you are married?

What are some healthy boundaries you want to have in place?

What are some things that should stay between you as a couple vs. things that are okay to be open with family about?

Relationship

Why is marriage important to you?

How do you deal with conflict?

What does a healthy marriage look like to you?

How do you expect to interact with friends as a couple?

What are your expectations about relationships outside of the marriage like friendships, coworkers?

What do you consider betrayal or infidelity?

What is your communication style?

How will you include your partner in decision-making?

Do you accept your partner’s current lifestyle choices (Examples: use of substances, movement, eating, hobbies, dress, religion, professional/academic achievements)?

Spirituality/religion

How do you feel about religion?

How important are your religious beliefs or spiritual beliefs to you?

What, if any, spirituality or religion do you want to practice in your home?

Discuss specific rituals of religion and how you’ll be observing them (like laws of family purity)

Will you have a spiritual/religious mentor? Do you agree on who this person is?

Are you comfortable with your partner’s current level of observance? Are you expecting/hoping for change?

Sex and Intimacy

What makes you feel loved and safe?

What does intimacy mean to you?

How do you want your partner to show love and affection?

What are your attitudes and expectations about sex and intimacy?

How did you learn about sex?

Can you discuss sex openly with each other?

How important is sex to you?

What are you expectations about your wedding night and what do you think will feel comfortable for you?

If you have issues, who will you seek help from?

What are your feelings about birth control methods?

Kids

Do you want to have children?

What size family would you ideally like to have (barring any issues)?

How soon do you want to start a family?

What are your feelings about family planning methods? Is there someone you will be speaking to about this? Do you agree on this person?

How will you prioritize your career in relation to your marriage and family?

Do you want to be working parents or will one of you stay home? For how long?

How do you envision your role with your child/children?

What are your views on the division of labor in your home?

What kind of parent do you want to be?

How will you raise/educate your children?

There are many more topics that can and should be covered, ideally with a licensed therapist. As a mental-health provider working in the Jewish community, I firmly believe this should become the standard in our communities.

My friend and colleague, Elisheva Liss wrote a great piece on relationship uncertainty that highlighted some critical-thinking skills to use when feeling unsure in the dating world. A couple years back my friend Malkie Hirsch  “ranted” in the Five Towns Jewish Times (I prefer to call it an impassioned wakeup call) about how the current shidduch system is impacting people’s ability to create relationships based on Torah values is so important in this conversation as well. Conversations and change are sorely needed because our current approach, or lack of approach, is not helping to create happy, healthy, holy marriages.

If you have children who are getting married, encourage them to set up a few sessions with a therapist for pre-marital counseling where they can discuss these topics and gain skills to start their marriage off on the right foot. If you are thinking about engagement, currently engaged, or even in the first few months of your marriage, you can and should consider this for yourself and your partner.

Some great reading on this topic is I Want This To Work: An Inclusive Guide To Navigating The Most Difficult Relationship Issues We Face In The Modern Age by Elizabeth Earnshaw, any books by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, and Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. If you are on Instagram, a wonderful account to follow is @thesecurerelationship (Julie Menanno).

We can lay the groundwork for healthy and fulfilling marriages and families, and literally change generations to come. It can start with you.